I started noticing, in the last couple of weeks, that I
was not my usual self. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I knew I was “off”
somehow. What began as a feeling of heaviness, and grew to the point of
anxiety, didn’t make sense to a normally calm person. Not that I never feel
“heavy”, but there would have to be a reason for it. And, at the time, the
reason eluded me.
As the days passed, and the symptoms grew more pronounced, it
became clear to me what was happening. The cause had snuck up on me and caught
me off-guard. And then it hit, and everything made sense! I am approaching the
five year anniversary of being bed bound!! Just a couple months away, it is coming
fast!
In my day to day life, I think I handle it gracefully; meaning “full of
(God’s) grace”. Yes, there’s been heaviness at times (especially anniversaries),
but not anxiety! And five years is a milestone, monumental to me! Obviously,
this is heart wrenching and tears have been shed this week.
Though I believe in
miracles and still hope for healing, truth be told, I consider God sustaining
me through RSD/CRPS to be as much a miracle as healing would be. That being said,
chronic illness and/or confinement of any kind /the loss of life as you know
it, is very traumatic. Depression and tears are inevitable. It’s ok to visit
there, but not to live there. ~ For me, "not living there" requires discipline, a balancing act, and a lot
of prayer!!
by Mary Jane Gonzales
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