It must be about 4:30 am because I hear
the Farmall tractor pulling the wagon outside my window. Many years
ago, I would have been on that wagon. I see the sun coming up,
hitting the dew on the green cornstalk just so, to glisten perfectly
in the sun's first light. The morning birds are chirping and all of
the corn pickers are tasting the fresh, uncooked sweetness of the
juicy corn. That was always the best way to eat sweet corn. Now, as
I have gotten older and not picked corn in many years, I am always
excited for the years that the infamous Hadley corn is ready when I
am home in the summer. Hadley corn is shipped through Massachusetts
and other local states because it is so delectable. The dirt in
Hadley, Massachusetts is like no other that I have ever put my hands
or feet into. It is soft like flour and feels quite nice to walk in.
I always took my daughter and nieces looking for worms. We would
take off our shoes, sit down and start digging, mostly to play with
them wiggling and squirming in our hands and over our feet. If we
had time, we would save some to go fishing with. I had grown up
fishing by the river. Listening to the quiet flow of the river over
the rocks, and the wind whistling through the trees, was a peaceful
place like no other.
In the autumn, when I am lucky enough
to visit, the trees are the most beautiful crimson, orange and
yellow. The pumpkins are harvested and the Indian corn is ready.
The autumn is full of wonderfully bright, uplifting colors and there
is a nip in the air to tell you winter is around the corner.
Winter is my least favorite time to
visit but, if I visit then, I enjoy FRESH fallen snow and watching it
from in front of a fireplace.
I visit in late spring often, which
means the robins are building their nests. Hadley is called
“Asparagus Valley”; thus, it would be the time to pick and eat
asparagus. When I was younger and in school, we actually were able
to come to school late because we were picking asparagus. But now, I
usually get there at the end of the season, still having the chance
to eat some. One of my daughter’s favorite things to do when she
was younger was to pick strawberries with her cousins. The girls
would run to get their baskets (four girls in all). The excitement
was over whelming. It was the end of the season so the berries were
always really red, sweet and succulent. More berries went into their
mouths than into their baskets so it always took us a long time to
fill each basket. Nicole, my daughter, was always jealous of her mom
helping the girls fill their baskets. Nicole, who is the oldest of
the four and now a teenager, still enjoys picking but would rather
buy them already picked sometimes.
I used to stay at my grandmother’s
house, until she passed away. My uncle bought the house and
remodeled it a bit. The house was built in the 1800’s, so it is
historical and can only be remodeled a small amount. Last time I was
back home I did have time to go see it due to a family situation.
I have lived in Arizona now for twelve
years and I love it here. The trip back home is anywhere from 5 to 8
hours, depending on layovers. Most years, we take at least one trip
in the summer and, occasionally, an additional trip. Last October,
my aunt passed away and I was not able to be home for the services,
but wanted to provide comfort for my mother. I didn’t know then
that it would be my last time there. The town that defined me, I
will never see again. If I had only known, I would have walked in
the dirt, gone fishing, and visited my grandmother’s house for the
last time. There are so many things I would have done. When I was a
teenager, I never thought I would ever leave Hadley. It was my
place, it was who I was, but one day I needed to leave because it was
best for me. Now, years later, I am going through the grieving
process. It may sound strange to some but my heart breaks because
most of my life I lived there, and who knew I would never go back.
Which leads me to my RSD story. I
thought I could pin point when I got RSD, but now I am really unsure.
What I am sure of is, last October when I went home to visit my
family, I was having a severe problem with my left arm. When I
finally got diagnosed in November, it was throughout my arm (from
fingers to shoulder and down my shoulder blade). Mind you, I knew
for sure I had this issue for at least a year prior, starting just in
my hand. It moved its way up in that year. It took some time for me
to find a pain management doctor that not only treated RSD but one
who actually knew about it. That was the hard part. Lots of doctors
say they treat RSD, but they don’t really know what it is. At
least, it doesn’t seem like it out here. Part of the issue is
mainly just saying “let me research that and find out because I’m
not sure”, rather than saying you know when, in fact, you don’t.
My doctor, however, did his dissertation on RSD. By January, my knee
seemed to be feeling the effects of RSD already. We started by doing
ganglion injection for my arm, but that made things worse. When I
woke, I was in horrific pain and discovered the RSD had severely
moved to my leg. This doesn’t happen to everyone, and my doctor
was actually not even notified when I woke up screaming. He called
me on a Saturday when he heard of the condition I was in. He has
been treating for 20 years and he had never heard of this happening.
I was now walking with a cane at 37 years old. I was then laid off
from my job. I still wonder if it had to do with walking with a
cane. Next, I tried a Neurotransmitter for my upper left, meaning my
arm. I had slight mirroring to my right side prior to the
transmitter, then full blown mirroring after the transmitter. But we
are not sure if that was coincidence. Well, all in all, October 2011
I had RSD in my arm. By April, I had RSD in all my limbs. Now, a
year later, I have RSD in my entire body. Yes, every part of my
body, even the unthinkable. My eyes, my ears, my scalp; like I said,
even parts you can’t imagine.
It sounds awful. However, I have a
beautiful teenage daughter, I hold a full time job and I have a more
positive attitude now than before being diagnosed with the RSD. My
job is not an ordinary 9-5. I teach Kindergarten, which is extremely
difficult for me this year. This is my 12th year teaching
Kindergarten but I now have little to no range of motion or strength
in my left leg. I cannot bend it, so getting down to their level is
hard; as is sitting on the floor. I do it. It’s just not easy,
and makes for extra pain. They are very touchy feely at this age so
I come home in more pain than I want to be. It sounds easy to say
teach another grade or get another job. However, I was a pre-k
teacher for 8 years (yes I started teaching very early) and k for 12
years. When this is what your resume says, it is hard to find
something else. I have tried. I also love my job. Despite the
pain, the children do make me smile and laugh and it is great
pleasure to see them learning.
This blog post was meant to do several
things to bring awareness... Awareness that you need to do things
that you can for as long as you can, with pain if you must. Not
everyone loses their ability to walk, write or do any of those types
of things but I firmly believe that you should know that you could.
I myself walk with a cane for several reasons; one being that, in a
matter of two weeks, without using a cane my muscles in my right leg
worked too much and have disease muscle atrophy. If I continue to
walk without the cane, I could end up in a wheelchair sooner rather
than later. I live with that knowledge and that is one of the
reasons I continue to work and walk with a cane because one day I may
not be able to at all. Now it is hard, agonizing and nearly
impossible, but still possible. I try doing everything like it may
be my last time. Here are a few things, for instance, that I can’t
do that was every day for me. No more heels, no more driving at
night or far distances , or after a long day at work. I have help,
yes, but I do not feel dependent. I have people help and support the
decisions I have made. My support system is smaller than some and
larger than most, and very well educated about my disease. They have
taken the time to become a part of my disease by being supportive. I
am not unlike the people that have family that doesn’t understand,
or that don’t believe them. They (family) are far away and it is
their loss to not see me and understand. The RSDer needs to be
educated, so I started by reading “IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE”. I
have not had RSD long but it came at me with a vengeance, attacking
all of me. I learned as much as I could. One way I did so was by
receiving a mentor through RSD Hope. She is a wonderful, uplifting
inspiration to me. She has taught me an immense amount about RSD,
talked me through some very tough nights and I have made a genuinely
great friend from a horrible experience.
Please find the good in everything.
Believe it or not, it is there. Sometimes you have to search a
little harder than others. Sometimes it even will make you
laugh...just because.
Written by Heather Wilda
